Odessa's Journal

Where'd you go, I miss you so, seems like its been forever that I've been gone. Somedays I feel like shit, somedays I want to quit and just be normal for a bit. I find myself trying to stay by the phone cause your voice always helps me along but when I pick it up I find I have nothing to say. I want you to know thats its a little fucked up that I am stuck here waiting at times debating...you don't really know what you got till its gone. Please come back home.

So I have been smoke free for 11 days now and I honestly I couldn't be happier. I don't feel like there is a blind between me and what I am actually feeling, and I realized a lot about myself that I need to change, but I am going to do it. I am choosing positivity rather than being negative. I am going to be honest with myself.

I knew a girl who couldn't find her own personality so much so that she became whoever she was around once people figured it out they became uncomfortable. 3 years now and I am not sure what you are passionate about. Part of me feels responsible, actually part of me knows I am responsible I talked bad, and thinking back on it now makes me sick, because it wasn't the right thing to do I just got sucked in. I really chose not to understand but I was tired of understanding, I was tired of watching someone walk into the same mistakes over and over. I was tired of watching someone else let them determine there own happiness instead of making it on their own. And then something made me realize something, I was yelled at, called antisocial because i was tired. Was it not me who left parties last year so we could go to ones where some stupid guy you liked was, was it not me who tried to consistently invite you out...and the one time i was tired i get bitched out. And no one ever said sorry. I guess its okay when you disrespect people, but when someone does it to you its the end of the world. So I quit, I'm not going to try, I've been trying for too long, this isnt how a friendship works.
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true. Who the hell did I think I was? All these thoughts you stole from me?

Well Febuary was a good month for Miss Odessa and everyday I am excited about what the future holds, I just wish I could see all my friends who are far away, especially Laura...I am quite interested in this European love affair that she is having. March should be quite exciting as well...a free 311 concert, NAWFEST- a white water kayaking festival that Tim is taking me to...camping, jambands, food, drink and smoke(what could be better?) then home to Colorado at the end of the month. It'll be a nice break and I know I'll be more than ready to see my parents and Jake, I can't wait to spend some time with him before he heads off to the marines. It blows my mind that he will be heading off on his own soon. I do wish that Tim could come home with me, but it would be an expensive trip for him and the poor kid pays for everything himself, so it would really really hurt his budget- but hopefully soon, (like the summer)we will be able to make the trek up there together. Our relationship is still going great, with a few snags every now and then..but everything takes work and I'm defintely willing to put some work into this, because I know where his heart is. Other than that, my parents are doing fine...my dad found a new building for his business so hopefully they will be moved in there around June. My mom was feeling sick and having a lot of trouble with her back, she had a lot of tests done, which had me worried sick, but thankfully everyone of them came back negative, she is just doing physical therapy right now so hopefully it will help from any longterm damage. All my friends here are doing great...crazy adventures as usual, and I've been hanging out with Tim's sisters more and more-they are a lot of fun, Maria has so much energy for everything she does it really amazes me, their mother definitely raised some driven kids. School is school, and I'm also working on campus which I love-its so much better than the resturant business! well thats it for my little update on the life of Odessa (pretty boring eh)
I hope everyone is doing GREAT, and know that everyone of you is in my heart. MWAH

Tonight he said he loved me. Its amazing.

I don't think you realize the effect you have over me. It fucking hurts, it hurts to be this vulnerable and I don't like it so why should I do it. If I can't make you feel better for one day then why am I doing this. Your words crush things that are unseen.Why does it have to be so complicated, I want to make you feel what I am feeling. You're not being careful with me.

I once read some where that this is how it happens, it is talked about and suddenly there you are. I am scared and I am nervous and he knows it's deeper than packages of pills on my nightstand, he feels the same way. It just takes time. Time and we shall see.

I hate to be ridiculous but I miss my boyfriend like whoa

So I got a UTI, and yeah it sucked

So in honor of the last day of classes I thought I would do a summary of the semester. So I'll recap
about people and things I've learned:

-Ona and Sammy, and Sam came into my life (all good things, especially Ona)
-Eating three pot brownies when you weigh 95 pounds is not a good idea
-"My friend always takes me to parties and ends up making out with people, now I don't know anyone..." is a pretty good pick-up line, it got me a date.
-Don't be afraid to start up random conversations with cute boys sitting next to you, you never know who might pop into your life (TIM!!!)
-Always make sure your truck has radiator fluid when driving in downtown Auburn on a game weekend!
-Breaking down in front of a frat house is not really that scary, if you are crying they usually offer food and water.
-Some people don't understand their actions and can't say sorry, It forever changed my view about a certain person.
-You only get towed if you are unlucky
-Baxter our rat terrier -nuff'said
-Cleaning doesn't just mean light a candle and spray febreze
-Ludacris for free
-Xanax and drinking means you will not remember anything!
-Thanksgiving in Cullman, soo relaxing and nice.
-Having a class with all grad students isnt that scary

Thats about it for now, I'm excited to see what next semester will bring and who I will be spending it with!

I'm ready to get out of Auburn Trails, I need a change ...maybe new roomies, definitely a new place to live!

Trading in that hard-headed kid, for a woman I can give to him....